


Sleepless

by agent_without_okay_days (piemakerphil)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Insomnia, M/M, Really just a lot of fluff, Sad Phil Lester, Sleepless, Sleepy Cuddles, Tour Fic, the boys are tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 13:46:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17044853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piemakerphil/pseuds/agent_without_okay_days
Summary: Phil found himself in another Hotel, staring out the window and looking over the skyline of the city.The city hums below them. Phil's body hums with it.He is so tired, body screaming from exhaustion and begging for sleep. Jet he can´t.





	Sleepless

**Author's Note:**

> I had this fic on my PC for months now. I written it during one of my sleepless nights so I decided to post it as I still can´t sleep and missed the whole tour.  
> This fanfic is not beta read. I´m not a native englisch speaker but I tried my best. If you find some horrible mistakes pls tell me so I can learn.  
> You can find me on tumblr under agent-without-ok-days.

Normally Phil Lester is not an insomniac. This is usually a personally trait that belongs to his boyfriend Dan, who can be found in the early hours of the morning browsing Wikipedia articles or social media.  
He does share some long nights and early mornings together with Dan watching Anime or cuddling. But most nights he tries to fall asleep in their bed at a reasonable hour only waking up when Dan lays down next to him,wrapping his arms around Phil to find warmth and sleep.

But lately Phil can’t sleep. 

Before the Interactive Introverts tour his nights filled with preparations for the tour, the constant worry that everything could fail, the fans hating the show, which would then result that Dan and Phil would loose their subscribers and job.  
During the USA leg of their tour his motion sickness and the tour bus stole most of his goodnight sleep. The bunks on the bus where too small to share, too many other people around them, so even his usually tactic for sleepless nights, which involved Dan, preferably naked, where unavailable.

Now in Australia they stayed in hotels, which Phil liked more than the ever moving tour bus. Big bed´s, soft mattress and big floofy pillows. Hotels also where the only place to give them both privacy. Something Phil missed most during the tour.

Dan was his home, his place of safety.

When his anxiety became too much, Dan´s touch was what grounded him. The pure stress from meeting so many fans and being around strangers almost everyday where erased when he found himself in Dan´s arm's where the curly boy kissed away every line of stress on Phil’s face. Ever so often he found himself returning the favour to Dan.  
Even when the other boy struggled with maybe some more than him. They both knew they were not competing in who had the most issues, this was not a race anyone wanted to win anyway. 

But being on the go meant the he couldn't find safety with Dan when he wanted or needed it. Someone was always watching, their fans seemed to be everywhere with their smartphone cameras, no matter where they where. He did love posting Insta stories to keep their fans updated, but they also meant he had to be aware of every picture and video he posted. Almost everything could give away private Information, so he made sure to double check everything.

He felt watched almost constantly and was scared of losing his privacy in a moment of weakness. 

And still he loved being on tour travelling around the world seeing their fans so happy. He lived his dream, so he felt even more terrible about what it did to his body. Why was he not happy and exited but instead just empty and exhausted?  
Most of the time he did was happy, so much it almost hurt.

It felt like betrayal

How could he complain about all this. The expensive hotels, travelling the world and just doing what he loved. He should be grateful for every opportunity.  
It was like he had to play Amazingphil more then he allowed himself to be Phil Lester. And it exhausted him to the bones.

But even now, with exhaustion almost dripping from him he couldn’t find sleep, his body almost begging for it. The only way for him to find sleep was when he was too exhausted and his body just gave up.

Even then his sleep was restless, dreams filled with panic and anxiety about losing Dan and himself in the unknown. People with no faces where hunting him no matter where he hid and fans ripping them apart for not being good enough.

So Phil found himself in another Hotel, staring out the window and looking over the skyline of a city.

The city hums below them. Phil's body hums with it.

The raven hair boy completely lost to time as his body still hasn’t adjusted to the recent change of time. And when he finally would get his body used to the time change he would leave again. His body then lost again in a timeless void far from home.

Practically he could see trough his glasses that it was night time, the lights in the city illuminating everything making it feel almost like daytime again.  
He could hear Dan behind him tapping away on his laptop big headphones on listening to music shutting the world around him out. Phil turned his head slightly ,averting his gaze from the view and saw the younger laying on the sofa in their room in a position that looked more than uncomfortable. But the other boy made no sing of distress or moving and Phil could already feel his own back hurting just from looking at Dan.

Phil turned around and continued to look outside. His gaze following cars trough the streets wondering if the people in it would be driving home to their family's or if they got from work exited to finally go to bed.

His eyes started to hurt. Being up for hours on end made them sensible and dry. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, trying to get rid of the weird scratchy feeling that wouldn’t leave him. But somehow he felt like the motion and rubbing just made it worse and left him itchy and teary eyed.  
Taking his glasses and putting them on again he tried to just ignore it. Of course now he was just more aware of the tiredness that made his eyes hurt and itch. The way his sleepless nights made it almost impossible to wear contacts as his eyes where just to dry and exhausted. So it was back to his glasses most days as he didn’t wanted to torture himself more than he already did.

Slowly he put his feet on the ground trying to stand up slowly and stretching his body. Maybe a change of clothes would make his body feel better. Finally allowing him to sleep and find rest.  
Dan already did change into more comfortable clothes as soon as they where in their hotel room as it was clear that they both wouldn’t go out this evening.  
So Phil took his pyjamas from his suitcase and made his way to the bathroom. With every item of clothing he got of it felt like he got rid of the day and the outside world that lingered to his street clothes. The softness of his PJ´s made him feel way better than before, his body already relaxing a tiny bit.  
He splashed water in his face with the hope to get rid of the stress. As he looked up in the mirror he almost didn’t recognize himself. Dark circles under his eyes and his face just looked dull. His usually sky blue eyes now a dull blueish grey. His fingers softly stroking his skin that seems to got paler, if that was even possible for him. Phil no longer wanted to look at himself or what appeared to be him. He brushed his teeth fast and made his way back in the hotel room.

Phil made his way to the couch that was currently occupied by Dan, he could feel the other ones eyes on him as he sat down on the other end.  
But he didn’t bother too look back and simply let his eyes wander in the direction of the big window again, watching the dark sky as planes flew by.  
Something was shifting next to him and Dan was suddenly very close, bumping their shoulders together.

„You okay? Ok wait, dumb question, of course you’re not. And don’t try to deny it, we are both too tired for that.“

Dan let his hand wander to Phil’s head and gently let his fingers massage the skin. The older boy hummed under the touch and let his head fall onto Dan´s shoulder, concentrating on the fingers in his hair. 

Phil knew that he could trust Dan, tell him exactly how he felt but he also knew that while being on tour Dan had to fight with similar issues and his depression. Mostly Phil didn’t wanted to add his problems to the curly haired ones. But now even he was at a state where he couldn't hide or deny how he felt , how much this all was exhausting him that he just wanted to sleep but just couldn't. And of course would Dan noticed that Phil would not sleep and suddenly stay up just as long as him just to be then the first one to be awake and up.

„Can’t sleep.“ He mumbled into Dan´s shoulder as he cuddled closer.

„Yeah I noticed that. Why didn’t say something?“

Phil just shrugged with his shoulders

Dan nudges his boyfriend with his shoulder. “Common tell me. You know communication is important. Keeping it to yourself will just make worse .”  
Phil chuckled.” Says the one who is avoiding talking about his problems most times.”

“I know that and I also know it too good that avoiding problems doesn't make them disappear. I don’t want you to feel worse and I hate seeing you shutting off of me.”  
Of course Phil knew Dan was right. He shouldn’t shut Dan out. He knew how awful it felt seeing his boyfriend drifting away, being left useless and just watching the other being miserable without knowing how to help. But he also knew how much it helped him after Dan finally opened up, how they both finally found a way to bring Dan back from the void whenever he got lost in the pitch black darkness in his mind.

„I’m just so exhausted but I can’t sleep. It’s just everything. No matter where we go there are always people watching us. I just, I can’t …. I..“ he tried to catch his breath.  
Dan took of the black rimmed glasses so he could wipe away the tears that escaped Phil’s eyes. He didn’t even realize he was crying.

„I just knew I should be happy and grateful. I am, please, don’t get that wrong, it’s what we always wanted and I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Seeing how much we mean to our fans and seeing their faces instead of staring into a camera. But I can’t. I just want to sleep and lay in your arms and kiss you without being scared someone could see us. Our fans are the best but some of them are just too noisy. Almost all the time I´m on my toes looking over my shoulder because you never know. Every time I try too relax I have to think about that again. I can’t even remember when I last sleep trough. Or didn’t felt exhausted.“

During the whole time Phil emptied his heart to the younger one he never stopped the gentle touches. Letting him know he was save and loved. Phil felt lighter, now that the heaviness was lifted from his heart.

„I know what you mean babe. You don’t have to feel bad.“he bowed down and placed a kiss on top of the black hair.“ Let’s talk tomorrow about it, it´s late and you really need sleep.“

Phil savoured every kiss and touch from his boyfriend, he sat up slightly squinting at Dan, realizing he wasn’t wearing his glasses.  
“I would tell you how pretty you are and try to kiss you, but I can´t see shit.”

At that Dan immediately had to laugh. The laugh was sugar for Phil’s soul, he just couldn’t get enough.

“I mean you know I am pretty even without glasses but let me help you with the second one you spork .”  
Dan took Phil’s face in both of his hands.

“You know we are alone here, no one can see us or interrupt. You will always be safe with me, never forget that, and I know I will always be safe when I’m with you.”  
At the words Phil almost started to cry again. Dan just knew how much he needed to hear that right now.  
Phil whispered “I love you so much. You know that right?”

“Yeah I won’t ever forget that.” Dan leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on Phil’s lips.“ I love you too.”

The older kissed back just as soft but not deepening the kiss, he just wanted and needed to feel Dan lips on his. All he just wanted right now was Dan. He let his hands wander under the black shirt feeling the soft skin he realized hasn’t for day's.  
Dan shivered under Phil’s touch leaning closer too him. His long fingers finding their way to the black hair. Dan breathed onto Phil’s lips before kissing him again.  
Dan’s mouth meets his and he's warm, so warm or maybe it's just that Phil feels cold from being tired. Phil´s eyes flutter shut and he presses into the kiss, enjoying the chaste contact, the feel of Dan's lips on his. Letting Dan´s warmth seep into his skin. There is a hand on his cheek, cupping it and drawing him closer, thumb stroking along the arch of his cheek in time with the movement of Dan's lips. Heat blooms in Phil's chest at the tenderness, combating the knot of worry that is still on his mind and the exhaustion that lingers on body, making every move heavier.

Now Phil had to break the kiss.

“I thought we wanted to sleep. You’re making this really hard.” He said tired.

Dan had to laugh and Phil just raised his eyebrows. “What? you’re the one talking about things that are hard.”  
A yawn escaped Phil’s lips before he could complain and he let his head fall down onto Dan's shoulder, inhaling the scent that reminds him of home.  
"You needn't have worried about telling me, you know?"

"Yeah, I get that now." Phil mumbled against the black fabric of Dan's shirt.

"Good. Everything else can wait. You need sleep now."

Phil nodded, although he wasn't too sure that he'd be able to tear himself away from Dan , even if it was just to get over towards the bed.

"Come on, let's get you into bed."

Phil chuckled. "It's probably one of the few times I say that, but I'm too tired for sex."

"Well good, because I'm not particularly keen on having you fall asleep on me halfway through it, either. Come on."  
Dan gave Phil a gentle push, and despite his fatigue he had to admit that the distance to the bed wasn't that far. Phil tiredly stumbled the few steps, but only as he sat on the bed he realized that even if his body was tired, his mind was still on edge.

Dan seemed to see that Phil wasn’t relaxing as he hoped when he finally got the older to the bed, but he got an idea and hoped that it would finally help him.  
“Hey Phil, remember the breathing exercise for calming down?”

Phil let himself fall on the bed and cuddled himself under the blankets, concentrating on how soft the bed felt around him, keeping him warm. He inhaled deeply and counted as he let the air escape his lungs again.

Breathe in, count, breathe out.

Repeat.

He closed his eyes and listened to Dan rummage around the room.  
He felt himself calm down until the footsteps padded closer and the other side of the bed dipped. Dan moved around, trying to not disturb Phil but failing as he slid under the blankets with one hand balancing his notebook.  
Barely a few moments later, Dan shuffled closer and laid his arm across Phil's waist. Before Phil could react, he was met with the warm sensation of lips against the nape of his neck. He let out a sigh and turned around laying his head on Dan's shoulder, letting his free hand slide under Dans shirt.  
Phil opened his eyes as he felt Dan moving next to him.

“What are you doing with your notebook?”

Dan opened his notebook with some Wikipedia article still on the screen he read earlier.

„I’m gonna read to you.“

„Like what? A goodnight story?“

„Shhh just listen. It’s nothing important so you actually don’t have to really listen.”

Dan lay on his back one arm under Phil´s head so his hand could draw circles on a steady motion on his back. “I hope it will help to fall asleep, just concentrate on my voice so maybe your thoughts will stay quiet.”

Phil nodded cuddling closer and let the motion on his back relax him.

“Liparis marmoratus, or the festive snailfish, is a marine ray donned fish from the genus Liparis It was first described by Schmidt in 1950.” Dan began to read

“ A fish?” Phil laughed into Dan´s neck.

“Shut up,listen and relax.”

Phil sighed.

“The fish is coloured light brown to yellow and has dark brown to reddish spots on its body as well as its median fins. Its body is described as slender but not humpbacked. The festive snailfish's head is wide and has a depression.”

“It’s you as fish.” Phil mumbled from his place where he almost buried himself in Dan's neck.

He could feel Phil's soft breath on his neck, his body shivered slightly. 

Dan just let out a small laugh before he continued reading. He read about fish, submarines and extra-terrestrial ocean's .  
“Other icy moons may also have internal oceans, or may once have had internal oceans that have now frozen.....” Dan looks down to where Phil lay on his shoulder as he heard soft snoring.

Phil finally was asleep.

Dan closed his notebook and lay it on the other site of the bed, hoping he wouldn't kick it out in his sleep. But he didn’t wanted to risk waking Phil up.  
Seeing his boyfriend relaxed and asleep in his arms was a sight he hasn't seen much in the past few months. He leaned down to press a kiss on top of Phil’s head before he lay down and it didn’t take long before he fell asleep too, with the love of his life in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Say hi on my tumblr agent-without-ok-days if you liked this fic. I have some more unfinished work on my pc and always eager for feedback to motivate me.


End file.
